Keep on climbing... Step 1

Being down is a dark place to be. It can sometimes feel like sitting in the bottom of a deep, muddy pit, trying to climb to the top, to the light, only to claw and claw and end up slumpde in a heap at the bottom again. That's how I would describe it snywya, no matter how hard you try, or how hard you work you don't get anywhere and still end up feeling useless..... well I have had a good hard word with myself over the last few months and I am determined to climb out of this pit and change things!!! So..... here my mission begins!. Step 1 - Be thankful for what you already have. Sometimes this is so hard, even though you know that you have positives and achievements in life, it is hard to appreciate them when you are in a dark place, whic in turn leaves you feeling guilty for not apprecitating the little things, this in turn leads you to feel even worse! So what are the good things?? Job Family/ children Friends money?? ... for some maybe security The list could be endless.... the truth is this will depend on the individual. I have spent a long time in my life loooking at others around me and wanting what they have, or thinking I am not good enough because I am not like them, when in fact I do have positive, good things in my life, it is just taking a while fo rme to see them and stop comparing to others!!.. So this is my step one on the road to recovery and I am sure i will move onwards and upwards!! Step 2 to follow Bye for now /

Back to life!

Hi everyone, so it's time to get back into the "writing seat", it's been a while, the blog has been neglected some what, but we are back and raring to go!.

I find writing to be the best form of therapy and outlet, and oh my is there a lot to out let!.

So my amazing little man is 5 years old now and in school. We now have a lovely little home as opposed to the slug infested dump we lived in before. I have a decent job which I am loving!. Don't get  me wrong though it has been a struggle to get us to this point in our lives!, it seems when you try your hardest to come out from under you are met with every obstacle imaginable... but no moaning today because we are here!!!.

So what next? ... get even further up if we can is the answer to that one!.

After coming out of a difficult relationship which has destroyed all self esteem and self worth it is going ot be difficult to rise above, however I am a firm believer in goals and dreams, they keep me going and motivated. I am going to list my goals, dreams and wishes and hopefully over the coming years I will succeed in realising them for me and my little man. I have decided that I am not going to let anybody get in my way anymore, I am going to work my hardest and overcome every single challenge that I am met with.... and I am prepared for many. My blog is going to be used to record our progress and also to evaluate any ingteresting challenges that are faced!. I hope you will join us on our journey and that you also relaise your hopes and dreams! Good luck everyone!!

Bye for now.

moving onwards and upwards.......scary if you ask me!!!

So even though my brave little man is a not so little 4 years old now it still all feels so new. When will the worrying about making the right decisions for him end!! School is on the horizon and the toddler years are fading and its so scary to think my little star is growing up. I keep being told how important these years are. To nurture and enjoy this special time. In an ideal world this would be perfect, but unfortunately I have chosen to work full time to try and provide some sort of quality of life for us. So why do i feel so bad about this? It almost seems as though I am working to pay a nursery to.bring up my child( a brilliant job I might add) and I am missing all his best bitS, yet on the flipside I am doing it for him. Aaaaaa doing the right thing is so hard !! What is the right thing?? . Work is going so well at the moment and i love it yet I feel so guilty about being there when i feel I should be here with him enjoying precious time together. I wonder if it will affect his emotional wellbeing when he is older and he will feel i am not there for him, or will it have the opposite effect and build him up to have a certain independence and broaden his social output???? I really wish there was a guide book or at least an oracle to tell you that you are doing the right thing for your child??? Hmmmmm what are evrybody else's thoughts? Let me.know !! Over and out

it's been a while......2 house moves, 2 operations and a new job!!

So...... it's been a while since i wrote anything, things have been hectic. two house moves, two operations for my little guy and a new job all in the last 6 months!! Phew!!!!. I can now begin to breathe again and get back to normal!!.

Where to begin..... we had to move as the house we were in was damp (slugs to go with!!) , the new house seemed so nice, then after a few months..... hello damp and a mechanics garage that opened smack bang next door = a house that stinks of petrol!!! not good. So we moved again and........ love it!!! best house and area ever lived in am so happy.

My little boy has had 2 different operations and this has been tough. I dread to think how parents of children with complex health needs and disabilities get through. Seeing your little one in pain and under anastethic is the worst feeling in the world, i am so glad it is all over and extremely proud of my brave little man!!!.

I have finally had the promotion i was looking for and am beginning to feel a little proud of myself (although true to form i am a little nervous to relax and congratulate myself as things always seem to go wrong!)

Although a quick blog today i will be back on form soon as i am now beginning to get up and running again and have quite a few things i would like to share and get peope's views on :)

Take care :)

Whilst reading this post please imagine violin music playing!!!

Oh dear I have hardly had time lately to breathe , last week was supposed to be our new start , I got a great new job and got tough with little man with his sleeping and I was so positive about moving forward and getting us sorted and then it all began to go wrong!

So the first day of my new job was OK, I had been so excited to get out of the call centre and start this job doing something I love, no more shifts just plain old 9 til 5 Monday to Friday...... except I do not fit in at all at the new place so it seems! The people so far are not friendly at all and it is very uncomfortable to be there, however I thought this is a hurdle I can get over and so the killing them with kindness mission began, I am now in the second week and my smile is fading, its lonely not having a team to talk to and get involved these guys are going to be tough cookies to crack , so any tips on making buddies are welcome!! I have never had this problem before!!!
Next I found out that the new place gets paid mid month and guess what everyone...... I started on payday!!! So I have no wage this month and my massive nursery fees, rent, car insurance and all the other bills are due to be paid on Thursday!!! Nightmare what the heck am I gunna do??? I could cry!!!
To make matters worse this week me and my boyfriend been struggling we both have kids and we don't live together and sometimes when I need some TLC or support from him he doesn't seem to have enough left to give after worrying about his own situation (can anyone hear my violin playing yet).

On a more positive note my little man has slept in his own room and has only woken once a night for the last 3 nights am sooo chuffed it has only taken 3 and a half years!!! I just desperately hope he keeps it up as everything is easier to tackle when you have had sleep!!

So everyone in a nutshell it has been a rubbish week n a bit but I refuse to give in , I will go to work full time and earn my own money and I will overcome the hostilities at work, I will try harder with my man to fit into his life better and not depend so much on his emotional back up , but I would welcome any suggestions on sorting my money crisis out for the next month or so , guess a birthday drink at the weekend is off the cards!!!

I promise my next post will be bright, positive and funny when I have found myself again!! xx

Resistance is futile and so am giving up on getting any kind of sleep tonight

The first night in a very long time little man has stayed asleep, just to give a clear picture the usual routine on night time in my house is chill out quiet time in pyjamas with a drink and weetabix, then upstairs teeth brushed, face washed and bedtime story in bed nothing unusual there..... until all hell breaks loose!!! . As soon as I leave the room he is up , he screams and when returned to his bed he fights with me sometimes literally if he is really angry he bangs his head off the bed frame or wall (whichever takes his fancy that night) and then he will sit at top of the stairs screaming at the top of his lungs and banging his feet on the floor (I bet my neighbours hate bedtime as much as I do) this can carry on for up to an hour and a half some nights are worse than others, and then once he is peacefully sleeping and may i add again resembling an angelic being I wait for the next wake up , he will wake in the night between 3 and 5 times crying, he has very bad nightmares which visibly scare him and he wants to be in my bed, now I have battled with this issue for a while and there was a time when I would let him in my bed in order to get some sleep for both of us, however  I do feel that he is of an age now where he needs to be in his own bed and sleeping through the night, I am however, still in the process of developing the necessary skills needed to implement this effectively and with success! So tonight much to my delight he went to bed without a fuss (this has not happened in over a year ) and so far he has not stirred (also very unusual ) and look at me I am wide awake and so desperately wanting to take advantage of some much needed sleep!!! How frustrating, my mind is going ten to the dozen tonight and my thoughts are very cloudy and erratic!!! I maybe need some calming whale song or something to calm me down!!! Why oh why is this happening .... please brain switch off..... no seriously switch off!!!!

As I say there is no point fighting it and so I am going to have a long night awake so thought I might as well share my frustration with you all, in the hope that there are people out there who have this trouble or people who have managed to turn there little one's sleep habits around and successfully achieve a full night of rest???

A great night in spoiled by a huge spider....thank god for dry shampoo!

So , tonight I had some friends over and my boyfriend and his son , the boys played really nicely and we cooked and chatted and was a lovely chilled out night. I think it was so chilled because I can fully relax at  my house and not worry about little man breaking things or getting into bother (maybe worth pointing out here that my other half's family don't think my little boy is very well behaved and for some reason when we r with them he can be a little monkey, however no worse than any other child!!) , so anyway with a nice relaxed at ease mummy we had a very pleasant evening, he even went straight to bed which never ever happens. I decided I wanted to get comfy in bed and have a browse online until............... I felt eyes upon me and when I turned round there was THE biggest spider ever on my wall, it had a big hairy body and massive long legs (by the way am absolutely scared stiff of creepies!). Panic set in and although the poor guy was not doing any harm he looked so menacing and I just could not take my eyes off him no matter how hard I tried, i just knew I would never be able to sleep with him up there. I even contemplated giving him a name to try and make myself like him.... that didn't work either . And so operation spider assassination began!!! I contemplated getting the vac out and hoovering him up but the aftermath of little man waking up was not an attractive thought, I couldnt reach to trap him in a glass which would have been the more humane thing to do (I apologise profusely to any spider lovers here but I am sure he was not the first and will not be the last)and so I looked round the bedroom for weaponry! air freshener.... he didn't like it but it didn't do anything but make him smell nice, deodorant nope that didn't work either ,,,,,,,, and then .... low and behold like a knight in shining armour the dry shampoo!!!! It knocked him straight off the wall and I was able to pounce with a glass and get rid out of the window!!! Phew!!!I just hope he warns all his spider friends to stay away (that's if he survived the drop!).

And so , my pleasant evening did have a blip but the dry shampoo save the day , as always because it is now not only great for rushing in a morning to get myself and little man ready but it is great at fighting the battle against creepies in my bedroom!!!!